The Latin Cycle

Back in April, my friend Scott Johnson wrote an interesting post in which he described the process he goes through as part of personal change. Last night I got to thinking about that post as I contemplated something I often go through as I face change, especially change imposed from the outside. I also thought of a story from my college days that illustrates my process pretty well.

I took a year of Latin as an undergraduate. The course had a very predictable rhythm. Each Monday, the professor would introduce a new concept. On Wednesday, we’d have in-class exercises about the new concept. On Friday, we’d take a quiz to test our understanding.

I also had a rhythm for the course. On Monday, I’d sit in class, listening to the professor in something like a panic, absolutely convinced that this was it, this was the thing that I would never be able to learn, I was going to flunk the course. But, Monday night or Tuesday, I’d do the homework assignment, and light would begin to glimmer.  During Wednesday’s class I’d begin to get a grasp on the thing, and by the time I’d finished the second set of homework I’d feel ready for the quiz.

EVERY WEEK, I went through this.

Now, I’d like to have thought that I could recognize, during the Monday panic, that I’d be okay by Friday. And, on some level I did: I intellectually recognized the cycle I’d established, and knew that I’d be okay. But that didn’t prevent the panic.

Very often, when change that challenges my capabilities or my comfort zone, I have this same reaction of deep fear. If it’s something that’s very important to me, or something that I feel reflects on my value as a person, this fear often produces a short-term situational depression.

As I said in my last post, I’m in this situation now. I know in my head that I’m going to get through the challenges I’m currently facing. But, I still need the time to process what’s happening, and I still need the time to learn and to plan my work over the coming weeks. Finally, today, that road ahead started coming a bit more clear, and I’m feeling a little bit better. My intellectual confidence is beginning to make its way into my heart, where it can bring me greater peace.

As long as my boss doesn’t ask me to learn the Latin subjunctive, however. Then, I’ll be living under a bridge for sure!