One feature of depression, at least for me, is the little dips that can occur even during periods when I'm doing well. My own word for these episodes is "bubble". Such bubbles rarely peak for more than a few minutes and are pretty much always gone by the next morning.
Some time ago I was listening to a diabetes-themed podcast. The message was a very positive one, full of hope from someone who'd been able to make real changes after diagnosis and was working hard to help others.
Inspirational, to be sure. But on that day, it wasn't inspirational for me.
As I listened, my old guilt about my inability to lose a bunch of weight after diagnosis roared like a ravenous beast. Further, I was pained by my inability to be consistently positive in my advocacy. I don't feel like I can assure you that you can change your life when I haven't.
In a matter of moments, I felt horrible. I happened to be grocery shopping at the time, and considered putting the things in my cart back so I could leave. Instead, I wandered around the store like a non-ravenous zombie. I continued listening to the podcast (because, you see, I should have been inspired by it) reassessing my life, my blog, and my advocacy through emotional sunglasses that were very dark indeed. Should I delete my blogs? Should I leave the DOC?
It only took a few minutes to realize how out of proportion my thinking was, and I started trying to reel myself back in. I thought about some of the nice things people have said about me and my advocacy, and I calmed a bit. I didn't fully recover my mood that day, but I did recover enough to return to work and get some things done.
Please understand: I'm not asking for reassurance or praise. Most of the time, I believe in what I do in the DOC, and I believe in it right now. I just wanted to write about the experience to further understand it myself and possibly to provide a point of recognition for others.
I like bubbles in my soda. I don't like them in my mood.