Tiny Bubbles
One feature of depression, at least for me, is the little dips that can occur even during periods when I'm doing well. My own word for these episodes is "bubble". Such bubbles rarely peak for more than a few minutes and are pretty much always gone by the next morning.
Some time ago I was listening to a diabetes-themed podcast. The message was a very positive one, full of hope from someone who'd been able to make real changes after diagnosis and was working hard to help others.
Inspirational, to be sure. But on that day, it wasn't inspirational for me.
As I listened, my old guilt about my inability to lose a bunch of weight after diagnosis roared like a ravenous beast. Further, I was pained by my inability to be consistently positive in my advocacy. I don't feel like I can assure you that you can change your life when I haven't.
In a matter of moments, I felt horrible. I happened to be grocery shopping at the time, and considered putting the things in my cart back so I could leave. Instead, I wandered around the store like a non-ravenous zombie. I continued listening to the podcast (because, you see, I should have been inspired by it) reassessing my life, my blog, and my advocacy through emotional sunglasses that were very dark indeed. Should I delete my blogs? Should I leave the DOC?
It only took a few minutes to realize how out of proportion my thinking was, and I started trying to reel myself back in. I thought about some of the nice things people have said about me and my advocacy, and I calmed a bit. I didn't fully recover my mood that day, but I did recover enough to return to work and get some things done.
Please understand: I'm not asking for reassurance or praise. Most of the time, I believe in what I do in the DOC, and I believe in it right now. I just wanted to write about the experience to further understand it myself and possibly to provide a point of recognition for others.
I like bubbles in my soda. I don't like them in my mood.
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May 11th, 2012 - 22:14
Those are almost worse than the real dips, seriously.
May 12th, 2012 - 10:20
I am glad that you didn’t decide to delete your blog! Inspirational stuff is OK if you are in the mood for it. I don’t think that there are too many of us that have good days every day and sharing “real life” stuff is more helpful in my opinion.
May 12th, 2012 - 12:52
I hear ya. In fact, I’ve recently had the same experience and blogged about how just a couple of nice comments from the DOC made me feel better. I think it’s good for us to put the ugly out there with the good. It can shed some light on it and maybe make it not so ugly.
May 12th, 2012 - 13:26
The good and the bad – that’s what you share, and that has real value. People need to see that others share these experiences – and that’s what you’re doing here. I’m grateful for your ability and willingness to open up, even when it’s not comfortable or easy.
May 13th, 2012 - 12:24
I could fill this comment box to overflowing with praise for you & your advocacy. But you already know I’m one of your biggest fans. I’m kind of transparent that way.
What I will say is a bit more personal than that. Sir Bob, I’m glad you’re my friend. My bubbles seem to work the other way so I’m really glad to have you grab my hand as my bubble bursts & I feel like I’m plummeting back to earth. You never fail to make me smile. About far more than just diabetes.
May 15th, 2012 - 17:47
Bob, thank you so much for writing this, my friend. Same here – could toss so much praise your way. But I’ll give you a story. I’ve been in one of those bubbles myself, and feeling really down despite all the good things in life and how I’ve been doing so much better lately. Have had that thought of tossing in my DOC towel so many times… but my sense has luckily returned to show me why that’s not needed. I love reading your stuff and an am honored to consider you a friend, Bob.
May 18th, 2012 - 17:40
The fact that you openly share the good and the bad is a service unmatched by those who don’t tell the full story of their life with diabetes. We need the whole story, and I applaud you and appreciate you for it.