T Minus Two Type Two Diabetes and Other Passions


Not Guilty

"Your honor, we the jury find the defendant to be not guilty."

On Thursday morning, I had a checkup. Since this was my first time with a new doctor, I had worries about that in addition to the normal medical appointment jitters.

There was some good news. Most importantly, I like the doctor and believe he can help me. It was interesting to get a five minute lecture on patient empowerment, although he did not use that phrase.

Additionally, my cholesterol panel looked really good. The one number that is still out of range continues to improve.

I suppose it's good news of a sort that I was measured as being 5" 5' tall. I suspect there is some kind of error there, because I don't think I've ever been told that I'm that tall. But, maybe I'm having a growth spurt in my early 50s.

The not so good news was that my A1c jumped quite significantly and is now a little bit above the target range.

I've been puzzled about my reaction, or lack of reaction, to that last bit of news. I didn't seem to be feeling the things that I'd expect to feel, or even much of anything at all. Was I shocked into numbness?

But then I figured it out:

I don't feel guilty.

I simply don't find myself awash in the "should haves" and "could haves" I would have expected. I'm seeing my doctor again in a little over a month, and I'm going to be developing an action plan. For the moment, the doctor isn't changing my medication.

I'm sure that my good feelings about my walking program mostly explain the lack of guilt, despite my feeling lately that my eating is somewhat out of control. But, I think my heart is finally beginning to believe what my heart has known for five years: I have a disease, and a progressive disease at that. My choices are part of what determines the rate of progression, but only part. I know I have things I need to do, but I am able to see this clearly instead of through a fog of shame. I can explore options for improving the health of my body without feeling so much like my worth as a person is on the line.

I've been acquitted. Now I just wonder how I'm going to pay off my lawyer.

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  1. It sounds as though you had a good appointment. You seemed pleased with some of the results (growing taller is quite an accomplishment!) and ready to make a battle plan in some other areas. I don’t think anyone can expect more of you and more importantly, you don’t expect more of you. You know that you can take the next steps and that’s a victory.

  2. Bob, you are awesome. If you ever want somebody to knock around ideas for next steps with, whether that’s exercise related or whatever, you know where to find me :]. I may not be a doctor [or have a full degree yet ;)] but I’ve got more adapted physical activity/exercise and chronic disease knowledge than the average googler :].

    Keep rolling with it, take it as it comes, and own it!

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